I wish I could Love You

Thursday, December 31, 2009

you make me feel as if I did something wrong.

I'm trying not to make myself feel bad,

or regret even bringing it up.

but its too late.

I guess I'm sorry.

for fucking up our friendship.

time for a little new year resolution.

MONEY! STUDY! and maybe a little bit of love. :)
its time to be a little happier now. :)

2009 has officially become a memorable past.
BRING IT ON 2010!!!
we'll see who's bitchier this year. :)

& anything that shines doesn't mean its gold. :)

i loveD you.

but everything stops now.

Jamie Lee
23:50

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

head down to melaka, quite a disappointment. :S but hearn came to join my family for dinner. HEEHEE. thats all.

apparently , nothing much has been happening around here. am starting to grow mouldy. :S waiting for ms. LOO to be free. so i can hang out. im too lazy to make anymore plans.time to ber-stoning. :)

I LOVE PANDA's . utter randomness

i went through someones blog,

and realized how love can really affect someones life.

they wana WAIT for them,

wait to MARRY them,

grow old together.

do everything together.

for the rest of their life.
are you sure you're ready for it?

or is it just a temporary feeling?

im not ready to commit anything like that.

i guess love is a commitment,
that the weak cannot commit to.
because love becomes their everything.
and once they're not loved.
there goes their " everything ".

to him,

it seemed that everything ended.

to her,

she wants it to haunt him.

or at least,

regret what he's done.

& I wanna cherish every moment i spent with you.

Jamie Lee
15:12

Monday, December 28, 2009

i always talked bad about ppl posing in changing rooms.

i just had to try it out.

my first time. :)

i hope i dun get sue-ed.

helped out at the reception during the wedding
some OTHER dude name kok ping. xD cousins friend.

half glass of hennessey makes the blood go round. :D

BOO! mahjong/ cho dai di sessions.

darren, trying to act cute. HAHA.

had supper together with azhar and suprisingly with the LOO. :)

had a nice chat. and left. heeh.

going melaka later.

holy coconut shake-fied.

mwah mwah. HEEHEE

I LOVE YOU MELAKA GANG. :)

you know why la. heehee.

& I just want to be, happy. :)

Jamie Lee
00:47

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Jamie Lee
01:21

* 2 weeks ago , MAHJONGGG!! *

i have some pics from the past week to upload. ANYWAY!!!!!!!!! have been so so busy lately.

MONDAY

KP picked me and we head to monash together with darren . took a little tour ourselves while waiting for lily and boo. monash library is HUGE, with really noisy lifts. *teett* teeettt! * :D got kinda emo when the security guard asked for driving license. *sigh. head off to Louisana for bottomless spag. service, sucked balls. but yeah. had an awesome time chatting away and disturbing boo. didn't we darren?? :) boo and darren came over after that for some mahjong sessions while KP and lily had their ALONE time. :)

tuesday and wednesday.

went shopping with the KK chic * mich seck * for 2 days straight!!! heehee. bought alot of happy happy clothes. definition of happy clothes, buy, and no regret. buy happy, buy happy. :D :D . that woman, bought 2 skirts! anyway. getting to the point. YOU NEED TO STAY AT LEAST 5 DAYS TO SATISFY YOUR SHOPPING NEEDS hello??? :D i miss you already. :)

Thursday

STONED ALMOST THE WHOLE DAY. ironed clothes. xD i was so so bored I started ironing clothes. :) I guess its a chirstmas eve thing! heeeheee.the Godsister came over after getting her )PMR results, haha. had a surprise visit from KP , then azie picked us up to go get some booze. they didnt stay long, heehee, at least i had someone to say merry christmas on the spot. :) and oh, had to COOK for kp. not an awesome meal la, but well. still cook. had him wash the dishes after meal, which was his FIRST TIME WASHING DISHES SO I HAD IT ALL VIDEO-ed. HAHAHAHH!.

Friday

was ordered to stay home, so too bad. went over aunts house in Kg. api-api for a little gathering before cousins wedding. :) my nephew, so. the. adorable. :D

saturday.

ri chard and lai hooi's DAY. my used-to-be-thin-&-hot cousin got married. hehe. and his wife, her bdays on the 7th december. :)

need to stop consuming alcohol, beer sucks now. really can't take anymore beer. yucks.
tmr, will be a visit to mommys sister-in-law. :)
monday, monash.
tuesday, KAJANG DAY TRIP. haha. i know. kajang. XD

i guess you can say its good to keep myself so busy all the time.

I still havent had my pool sessions with al. then with keith.

then meet up with CHIAH & usamah, as promised. :)

then yum cha with my long lost pet bro, wai ken.

then meet up with high school mates.

and an outing with may yi, kenneth, samuel and SHAREEN.*whos been MIA-ing.

need to start planning melaka trip 2 soon. :D :D

BLARGH! goodnight world.

& I don't need to be wanted,

i want to be needed.

Jamie Lee
00:16

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Little by little I’m becoming smaller
The bright facial expression on the disappearing face
I’m afraid that you’ll turn your back and ignore my confession

Laying my head on my needle-like worries
I pretend to sleep though I can’t
Because of the thoughts about you that are more life-like than dreams
In the end, I stay up all night

feels like INSOMNIA.

Don’t you love in vain
’cause love won’t set you free
I can’t stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be
So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
Just can’t let go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear
But all these days
They feel like they’re they’re same
Just different faces
Different place
Get me out of here

Won't you drive away
'Cause I'm no good for you
There's no place
In this place
That was built for you

I would be crazy to say that we were perfect
And sometimes I was wondering if it was worth it
But now I see, how could you run from me?
And everytime I drive by your apartment
I get this overwhelming urge to walk in
And see your face and to be in that place all over again

Cause I remember every word that you said
It all just keeps spinning around in my head
But it don't matter what I try to do
I keep on forgetting to forget about you
And I don't want to think about you baby so much
All the things we did and the way that we touched
Just when I think about someone new
I keep on forgetting to forget about you
Forget about you, forget about
Watch me turn around and forget, forget about you
Forget about me and you

I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to get upset and cry
Cuz I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye
Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got the whole in love thing
And someone can say they love me truly
But at the time it didn't mean a thing
My mind is gone, i'm spinning round
And deep inside, my tears i'll drown
I'm losing grip, what's happening
I stray from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now i'm, in this condition
And i've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

Somedays I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide, cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this
Oooh, Yeah...

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
Just to hear your voice again
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

just felt like taking bits of songs. :) it doesn't really combine to become some awesome poetry. just bits here and there. randomsity. * no more beer please!!! ><*

All,
will just be a memory now.
i guess I shouldn't forget.
and take it in as a lesson.
its time, to move on.

there's no need to go through so much pain.
no more waiting.
no more pain.
i miss you.
and thats the last time I will be.

& trust me, I wasn't myself.

Jamie Lee
00:10

Friday, December 25, 2009

when hope whispered into my ear,

i felt that a miracle would take place.
then i realized, I wasn't home.

I wasn't where i was supposed to be.
i was , in denial.

not willing to accept what i knew was meant to be.

i couldn't stop thinking about what Hope said to me.
because it hurts. it hurts knowing what you wished to happen was something that was never going to.

something, close to nothing.

at least i still feel the pain,

that big hole through my chest.

at least i still felt alive.

at least i was in control.

all I'm trying to say is

yesterday, i manage to solve uni stuff with my dad. sigh. i broke his heart. I know it. But i was left with no other choice. im sorry I refused to go form 6. I promis i'll make u proud daddy. its so so so hard for me to say this. I really don't want to spend so much of your hard earned cash. but thank you. i love you!! :) I promise i'll never fail you.

its alright to be lost

everything is gonna be just fine.

what a lie.

& sometimes I wish I could turn back time,

just to see the old you again.

Jamie Lee
02:39

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

why must everything be so complicating?
why can't I just forget everything?
why must it be so hard on me?
why do I feel as if he doesn't care?
why do i care?
why should i care?
why is there nothing that wouldn't remind me of him?
why do I think so much?
why do I feel like throwing up just when your name appears in my head?
why did hope whisper in my ear?
why am i confused??

why do i even BOTHER?

when I try so hard.
and get nothing in return.
its not even a good deed.
im tired.
felt like something hit me.

& the dumbest thing I did today,
was to think of you.

i suddenly miss myself.
my OLD self.

Jamie Lee
01:06

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I dont know what to believe anymore.
im stuck whether
to believe,
or to live in denial.
curiosity kills.
im tired.
now that i finally know the truth.
im even more tired.
I finally get to rest.
hopefully my head won't start popping even more questions.
i hope.
wished I could read minds.

I feel confused.
and also feeling like an idiot.
my possibility equation.
heh.
what a failure.
how could i have thought ?
yeah. that.

i'm so speechless now.
time.
for an awesome drink.

& so weird how u think of someone that never thought of you.

Jamie Lee
01:00

Saturday, December 19, 2009

business courses costs around 30k per year.

and I hate everything that includes money.
ALOT ALOT of money.

the only time i aint stress is when I'm sleeping.

I dreamt of college today. they had chocolate coated brownies. they had ausmat people there. they had everything I once had. family from college. :) I LOVE AUSMAT!! *except the t-shirt.
been having alot of long intense talks with really awesome people. I thank, azhar, kp and TJ. thank you for listening to me rant, stress, and freak out at nothing.
of long talks and expensive phone calls. :)

If you want me to pretend it never happened.
I can't.
I really really can't.
its not something I can forget through sleeping.
and somehow
its become something I never want to forget.
but it haunts me.
it haunts me so much,
that everything is starting to remind me of you.

& they say the past will erase itself.
I will prove them wrong.

Jamie Lee
21:12

Friday, December 18, 2009

DECEMBER BABBIES HELLO!!!!!!

happy happy birthday!

whether ur 18, 20, 30, 50,

AGE is not the problem!!!

okay it is.

i wana wish those who are celebrating their 18th this week.

deena! umah! hosanna! and adrian ho!

have a blessed 18th.

my best-retarded-friend didn't reply me.

I MISS YOU ALYSSA SIEW!

I still want to do retarded things with you.

happy happy joy joy.

& she fell into the arms of the wrong person.

Jamie Lee
23:15

i always thought ppl who were taken had countless things to worry about their already other half. now, i realized, the singled worry even more about those they think might be their other half.its really frustrating. to see your own friends break into pieces, and you just cant save the day. you're trying to think of something that can just make them feel a little better. but nothing comes to mind.

nothing beats not being able to save yourself. before trying to save others, save yourself. if you can't be your own hero, who else is going to come walking into your life being superman?

what frustrates me even more, is that I don't know what to save myself from?
funny how everything goes back to the start.

love.
when its not right, all it does, is create pain.
not to the ones in it, but to the ones thrown out of it.
and also to the ones that weren't given a chance to be IN it.
sometimes,
you just can't predict what the other half is thinking.
whether or not it be miles apart, or right next door.
everything seems so bloody mysterious.
possibilities are just like maths.
all you feel like doing , is add the good stuff and subtract the bad.
times the good times and divide the rest.
you try living in denial when somehow you already know the truth.
you try NOT to understand eventhough everything is right infront of you.

you don't know anything anymore.

is it true?
or you just don't WANT to know.

Everytime I think of you,
i feel like throwing up.
i'm still trying to figure out how,
to feel comfortable around you again,
because now I can't.
not unless you tell me the truth.
its going to hurt.
but I know what its worth .

& what I think don't matter no more.

Jamie Lee
12:46

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I take back everything that I had once said.

previous posts, previous previous posts.

I wana take them all back.

i don't know what else I can say about love.

but I'm tired,

of waiting for it.

of wanting it.

they come and go,

just a little too fast.
I can't seem to hold on,

instead,

I move on.

I must be patient.

I must wait.

but what if ?

them 2 words that always frustrate me.

why can't it be just answers?

no questions.

im tired,

of questions,

of answers.

of almost everything.

time for a drink.

& why do you always disappoint me when I start putting hopes on you?

Jamie Lee
15:21

Monday, December 14, 2009

he made her feel that way.

unexpected.

she chose him.

unwillingly

she fell into that love trap.

struggling to free herself.

she started feeling,

loved.

she could feel him breathe,

hear his heartbeat beside hers.

what more could she want?

to feel warm arms tightly wrapped around her.

it took her breath away.

she'd wish he'd never let go.

she's waiting patiently.

for him to provide a rather understandable explanation.

everything she does, reminds her of him.

she could smell him.

eventhough he wasn't there.

how could she forget?

or should she forget?

& I don't know if you do, but I miss you.

Jamie Lee
12:20

went to visit my GA ( juen sern ) on friday noon and Zi hang at night. sadly, I didnt have enough time to finish off my story with GA. but i manage to tell it all to zi hang. but as usual, the GA usually provides extra advices. :) need to tell the story, need to tell the story.

I WANA GO IPOH AND PENANG. soon. :)

& why didn't I think of it earlier?

Jamie Lee
12:16

Sunday, December 13, 2009

DAH BALIK AKU. :)

the first night was sleepless, stayed awake all day till 8a.m which i manage to squeeze in an hour of sleep, then it was a starving tummy and a lazy brain. had stomach problem, but loke's dad was a pharmacist *hell yeah!* tried eating some balls, skipped cendol and had my medicine during coconut shak sessions.

2 new NOT SO NORMAL friends. :)
haha. funny shits man.

oh, my brother came along too.
he become some sex educator instead of taking care of me. -.-

but then ,
i still had this 2 peeps to take care of me. :)

jetbin came too, with leader and the presenter.
sigh sorry i can't remember ur name.
im not very good with names. :(
sorry!

FROM L to R : yen sim, wen quan , lao da, loke, hearn, TJ

the melaki dudes. :)
AHHHHHH. melaka ppl are really awesome at pranking.
poor jetbin la! kena prank kau kau.
everynight he's gonna dream of Aaron from hotel seri costa.
xD

I really want to thank Loke,
for having that awesome bbq over at ur place,
and bringing us around since hearn wasn't a good navigator. xD
and also for the awesome life saving medicine.
thank your dad for me. hee.
thank you so so much for everything.
your dogs were FRIENDLY too.
stop bullying ur mom la! :)
thank you.
there's no reason for me to NOT go back to melaka.

I also wana thank hearn,
who was with us during the WHOLE trip,
even STAYED with us.
and yeah. loud snores that kept me awake mostly came from him.
but thank you.
thank you so much for staying with us,
entertain us,and GOSSIP in the car. :)
also letting us visit your house,
and you paid for some food. *damn you*
thank you so much hearn.

To LYE TECK JIAN,
you are one of them awesome melaki's.
drives like an ass,
we've had some past that were alike,
and thank you for sharing it.
thank you for letting me and loo meet niu niu.
she's not smelly la dei. :)
and thank you for making me down my bloody drink? XD
thank you for taking some pictures for me.
thank you for scooping dinner for me.
HAHA. thank you so so much.
thank you for sending us off too. :)
stop pranking people lah!

to MR. tan yen SIM,
i still think your name is girly.
but thank you for entertaining us with your STORIES.
thank you for being the laughter provider. XD
you and your SERIOUS face,
thank you for helping jia hoe navigate his way around.
thank you for never missing out.
don't bully eevon!! :)
thank you.

finally home to rest sleep bath eat watch tv and THE NET duh! :) I've had an awesome week. I'm really really really satisfied. I love all the people that went melaka, and had made the trip an awesome and unforgetable one.

to be honest, we had so many things to eat, I can't remember what I ate. xD all i know is, COCONUT SHAKE IS A DRUG. :) right kp?

& I'm starting to smell like you.

Jamie Lee
18:24

Friday, December 11, 2009

he left me thinking of every possible question i had in my head,
I can't help it,
I never thought that it would happen,
I never thought I would feel so protected,
so loved.

his solid arms around me.
felt like no man could ever break them.
although I don't know what it meant,
but I definately want to.
I want to know what he was thinking.
why did he do it?
then pretend that it didn't happen?
why didn't you tell me how you felt at first?
or at least,
let me know you that you care.
so many questions,
But i was left standing alone.

I want to see you again,
today, tomorrow, the day after,
its like I want to see you everyday now.
its just so different.
suddenly,
I want to be with you.

Being patient was never easy.

& must've been the coconut shake that hit me.

I'm going crazy.

I freaking miss you.

Jamie Lee
20:56

Monday, December 7, 2009